The Shallows

The Shallows: A Movie That’s Like … Whatever

Reviewed by Janelle Palmer for DecimalPointless and HumbleHeckler.com.

(Editor’s note: Janelle Palmer, a 17-year-old high school senior, is filling in for her mother, Janette, one of our resident film critics, who is currently recovering from rhinoplasty.)

Okay, so, like, The Shallows is this big, like, shark movie or whatever. Blake Lively plays this super-smart girl who’s all, “I wanna be a doctor someday,” or something. She’s super annoying, but I’d kill for her stomach—OMG, have you seen that thing. Flat as one of those ironing board thingies I see my mom using. BTDubs, my mom always smokes when she’s ironing, and she thinks I don’t know about it, but it’s like—hello, I can totally smell your gross ciggies. You’re not fooling anyone. Anyway, Blake Lively (hate her!) decides to go out on the ocean to, like, surf and get a tan and stuff. Oh, I almost forgot that Blake Lively, in real life, is married to Deadpool, so that’s pretty cool, but I still haaaaate her.

So, anyway, Blake Lively goes on her board thingy and starts, like, really surfing those waves. Then my phone started vibrating (I set it to vibrate cuz I’m, like, courteous as balls). It was my friend Kara, whose tan is so completely out of control it’s insane. So, Kara tells me that she’s going shopping and asks me to come with, and I’m all “I can’t. I have to watch this stupid shark movie so my mom won’t, like, get fired or something.” And then Kara’s all, “That blows.” And then I’m all, “I know, right? It’s not my fault you decided to get a nose job and flake out on your work.” So then I went to get a Diet Coke, and that skeevy kid Jeremy was working at the food place. He was looking right at my nips, not even trying to hide it. So I said, “The theater’s cold, okay, Jeremy. Act like you’ve seen nips before, loser.”

When I got back to my cold-ass seat, Blake Lively was freaking out about some giant-ass shark. I don’t know for sure, but I think she pissed it off while she was surfing, and I’m pretty sure sharks don’t like that. So then the movie is all about the shark beefing with Blake Lively. They go back and forth. Blake wins some, the shark wins some … I don’t know, I guess some of it wasn’t too bad. That skank Melissa from English class was sitting two rows ahead of me, and she seemed to like it pretty well. Maybe you have to be a skank to really like this movie.

I don’t really like sharks. They’re stupid and ugly and it’s like, “do something besides swimming and attacking Deadpool’s lady, already!” Since I don’t like sharks, there’s no reason why I should like shark movies. So I guess I should say that you probably shouldn’t see this movie … unless you’re completely skanky like Melissa or something. Although, it isn’t the worst movie. I mean, I didn’t bail or anything. I watched it all the way to the end, which I’ve been told I’m not supposed to spoil. Whatevs, it’s not such a special ending anyway. So, I guess I’ll just say that The Shallows is kinda bad, and I don’t recommend it. But, then again, my friend Tessa says it looks good and she wants to see it, and Tessa has super-good taste, so I don’t know. I guess I have no opinion.

I’ll give it 5 stars out of, like, 5 million. But I reserve the right to change my score after Tessa sees it and we talk about it.

(The Shallows is rated PG-13 for, like, scary shark stuff, bloody water, open wounds and stuff, and I think Blake Lively drops the F-bomb once or twice, but I don’t remember for sure or anything.)