The First Omen: Easily The Most Important Film Ever Made!

Reviewed by Sally Darnell for TheHumbleHeckler.com

(Editor’s note: Film critic Sally Darnell has a well-earned reputation for posting insincere, often flat-out sarcastic reviews. Keep this in mind when reading the following article.)

Well … here we are again. Another Omen movie. Aren’t we Lucky? And this time, we get to go all the way back to the genesis of this indispensable film series with The First Omen, a prequel absolutely every film/horror fan has been begging Hollywood to give us for decades. And boy does it ever deliver.

But let’s start at the beginning. The First Omen is clearly a passion project. I mean, there’s no way that some big-money producers and studio executives are merely trying to cash in on an established brand. Sure, this ultra-cynical tactic may have proven profitable for well-known IPs like Halloween, Scream, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hellraiser, Cabin Fever, Joy Ride, Evil Dead, The Exorcist, Child’s Play, The Hills Have Eyes, Candyman, Saw, Ghostbusters and countless others I just don’t have the time or strength to mention here. But that doesn’t mean the people responsible for The First Omen are joyless corporate vampires out to such your bank account dry. Not at all.

Okay, sure … maybe the film spends a little too much time referencing the original Omen, but it does it the right way. It’s not like virtually every other reboot or prequel or requel or whatever the hell. This film’s version of nearly constant nostalgia-baiting is done so much more tastefully than any other franchise film ever made. Ever. No kidding. The First Omen’s reliance on unoriginal material is so artfully executed it actually becomes its own art form. That’s right, this film has innovated a brand-new form of creative expression, something I like to call “nostalgart”: You might not see anything new, but you’ll never see something so old and tired wrapped in a glossier package.

But what about the film itself? Is it any good? Of course it is. It’s an Omen movie—how could it not be great? The story is, thankfully, similar to all the others in the franchise. There are evil people skulking around in the fog. And there are innocent people frolicking in the sunlight. The evil people are actively conspiring to bring about the birth of the Antichrist, while the innocent people remain completely oblivious to repeated attempts by the evil people to impregnate them with the demon seed. And you’ll never guess what happens. Nope. Never. Not in a million years will you be able to see the twists and turns coming. This rollercoaster has no safety harness, so be warned before you buy a ticket and take the ride.

The surprises are unveiled so fast and so furiously that I had to remind myself to breathe. I’m serious. It’s a wonder nobody in the theater died. It was all just so … intense. The woman seated next to me terror-farted with so much force she passed out and had to be removed by the local ambulance corp. A young man seated a few rows ahead of me was so terrified he tore giant clumps of his hair from his own scalp and then methodically ate it, cackling like a lunatic during the full moon.

But the film isn’t just scary, it’s also beautiful. I’m not ashamed to admit that I wept … repeatedly. This was, without question, the most profound movie going experience of my life. It was downright surreal. I heard a choir of angels singing. A bald eagle circled majestically over my head. A panda gave birth in the balcony. A philanderer confessed his sins and begged his wife for forgiveness. The snack bar lowered the price of popcorn and soda. And the movie had a few decent gore scenes and body horror gags.

It was miraculous!

I give The First Omen a perfect 10 out of a possible 10. Go see it and be forever changed.

(The First Omen is rated R for blasphemy, unnecessary Bible quotes, graphic depiction of birth, pervasive strong language, the inclusion of a gratuitous tickle-fight sequence, adult situations, and smoking.)