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A Stealth Marketer Reviews The Fall Guy (2024)

The Fall Guy—Refreshing as a Wendy’s Frosty.

Reviewed by Charles Barnum for TheHumbleHeckler.com.

(Editor’s note: Film critic Charles Barnum moonlights as a stealth marketer for numerous Fortune 500 companies. Keep this in mind when reading the following review.)

Some movies are scary. Some are thought provoking. Some are fun. Some are deep. Some are action packed. And some movies just know how to do it all. The Fall Guy is one of those rare movies that grabs you by the shoulders from the very first frame and never lets you out of its grip. Of course it is. After all, it’s a Universal picture, and anyone who knows anything about cinema knows that Universal Pictures is the undisputed champ when it comes to quality motion picture entertainment.

Recommended attire for attending non-Regal theaters.

I won’t waste your time blathering on about the story or the acting or the direction. Doing so would diminish your viewing experience, and I don’t want to do that. But if you’d like to know how to improve your experience with this film, I’d recommend you see it at one of Regal Cinemas 511 locations. Regal screens and sound systems are quite simply the best. I’ve tried watching films at non-Regal locations, and to be honest, it just isn’t for me. Don’t get me wrong, if you enjoy watching movies in rat-infested auditoriums with poor ventilation, be my guest. But for true cinephiles, the choice is simple. With Regal, you don’t only get top-quality film projection and majestic sound in a vermin-free environment, but you also get the peace of mind that comes with not having to wear a bio-hazard suit to safely enjoy a movie, because Regal Cinemas, unlike virtually all of their competitors, rigidly adhere to all public safety laws pertaining to air quality. They also don’t lace their condiments with experimental mind-control drugs (I’m looking right at you, AMC).

Finally, I’d recommend seeing this movie with an ice-cold Coke and any of the wonderful candy products from Mars Inc., including favorites such as Twix, M&Ms, Skittles, and Milky Way bars. And after the film, you should consider stopping by Chili’s for one of their Hennessy margaritas. They’re made with Lunazul Blanco Tequila, so you know they’re good.

Sign commonly seen outside of AMC Theater locations.

As for the movie itself, Ryan Gosling’s performance is on point, probably because of the confidence he feels from knowing his Old Spice Gentlemen’s Blend Exfoliating Body Wash for Men is always on duty, doing the dirty work that keeps him smelling clean. And let’s not forget Emily Blunt, whose work here is as smooth as a ride in the new Rolls-Royce La Rose Noire Droptail.

I give The Fall Guy a perfect ten KFC $20 Fill Up Boxes out of a possible ten, and I’ll even throw in six extra buttermilk biscuits when you buy two or more family meals.

(The Fall Guy is rated PG-13 for cannibalizing an ’80s TV series, smoking, gratuitous chaos, a total lack of Krispy Kreme product placement, and adult situations.)

A Conan the Barbarian Fan Reviews Conan O’Brien Must Go

Conan O’Brien Must Go: A Mostly Disappointing Action/Adventure Series

Reviewed by Angus McCallum for TheHumbleHeckler.com.

Conan O’Brien in one of the few action scenes in his new show.

When it comes to action, Conan O’Brien is no Arnold. But, then again, who is? Let’s face it, for more than four decades Arnie’s been the George Washington on the Mount Rushmore of Hollywood action superstars. There’s never been anyone like him. So what was Conan O’Brien and his team thinking when they decided to mount a modern-day retelling of the all-time Ah-node classic Conan the Barbarian? It can’t be just because of the whole shared-name thing, right? We all know how much Hollywood loves to cash in on established brands and popular IPs, but this is really pushing it. And, not surprisingly, it doesn’t quite work.

Let’s start with the action. There really isn’t much. Conan never fights a giant snake monster or decimates an enemy army on the field of battle. There are no beheadings, no disembowelments, no chopping off of limbs and then wielding them as fleshy cudgels to finish off wounded opponents. There’s no reveling in the spilled blood of fallen victims. No fiery steeds carrying fallen heroes off to Valhalla. Hell, there’s nary a bemused facial expression to be found anywhere in this so-called “action/adventure series.” You’d think at some point Conan would at least stumble from a late-night pub crawl and attempt to silence a smart-mouthed cab driver or sarcastic passerby with the threat of some drunken, uncoordinated form of physical violence. Nope. We don’t even get a halfway-decent slap fight.

Claims of Mr. O’Brien’s involvement in the destruction of a Norwegian national treasure have been retracted.

But that isn’t to say the comedian’s new globetrotting adventure series doesn’t have its moments. There are some genuine surprises, and even a few flat-out shocks. Take, for example, the scene in Thailand in which an ill-tempered Conan bites the head off a sewer rat, then spits it at a shoeless child. And then there’s the time in Norway when he broke into the Fram Museum after hours and set fire to GjØa (the first ship to traverse the Northwest Passage), causing irreparable damage to a priceless cultural treasure. Actually, now that I think about it, I started drinking about ten minutes into the first episode, so those last couple of scenes likely never happened.

Anyway, if you’re looking for action, violence, and bloodshed, Conan O’Brien Must Go is probably not your best bet. But, if you’re into stupid crap like travel, comedy, and making human connections across seemingly insurmountable racial, political, socioeconomic, and geographical barriers, then I guess you might not want to flush this particular bloodless turd.

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