Reviewed by Anonymous for TheHumbleHeckler.com.
(Editor’s note: The film critic known as Anonymous suffers from an excessive persecution complex and is prone to fits of extreme paranoia. Please keep this in mind when reading the following review. His or her opinions do not necessarily reflect those of TheHumbleHeckler.com.)
Some fools may see Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire as another leisurely stroll through the Matrix that governs us all. Some have even referred to it as “harmless entertainment.” But those of those whose eyes are wide open know better than that. In reality, this film is a thinly veiled metaphor for the coming New World Order. Don’t believe me? Just look at the facts. For starters, the subtitle of this film is The New Empire. Coincidence? Only if you make a habit of buying whatever Big Brother sells you without question. And then there’s the story. Check this out: Godzilla (or Asia) and Kong (or North America) join forces to fight off a serious threat to someplace called Hollow Earth (or the truth). And the whole thing plays out in one violent fight sequence after another, not-so-subtly suggesting that all-out war is inevitable. And who profits from war? You know damn well who. The Man—that’s who. The Godzilla character suggests that the war will be atomic in nature. While Kong clearly represents the use of guerrilla (a lazy play on words, I know) tactics to infiltrate and detonate WMD’s in our cities and towns, right under our noses. The film also implies that Kong may be patient zero (Typhoid Hairy, if you will) in an impending worldwide outbreak of the monkeypox virus.
Director Adam Wingard (if that is his real name) is at his nefarious best, employing state-of-the-art effects work, colorful scenery, playful banter, and exciting action sequences to lay the groundwork for the coming cataclysm, an inevitable shift in the power structure and social order that will create a new society—something the film refers to as the MonsterVerse. Meanwhile, the popcorn-munching masses never suspect a thing. Wingard was certainly given every opportunity to pull off this masterpiece of subterfuge. Every possible financial and material resource was made available to him. After all, the film has a production budget of $135 million, but my sources tell me the actual budget was closer to $160 billion. So … where did all the money go? Because it certainly isn’t all on the screen. The answer is simple and terrifying: Nanobot technology.
Every single official Godzilla x Kong soda cup, popcorn bucket, and plastic toy has been coated with a microscopic layer of nanobots whose sole purpose is to infiltrate your bodies, either through ingestion or skin absorption, and burrow into your brains, crisscrossing your hardwiring until you can no longer think for yourself. The nanobots are also trained to give you super-cravings for Coke and theater popcorn, which is more than a little petty and unnecessary. But am I surprised? Not one bit. I mean, we are talking about Warner Bros. Pictures here, people.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is, at best, an effective propaganda film, and, at worst, the beginning of the end of all life on Earth as we know it. But Dan Stevens is pretty cool and Rebecca Hall is always worth the price of admission, so what the hell. If you don’t have a problem with becoming a useless, drooling, subservient automaton give Godzilla x Kong a shot. At least you’ll get to see a lizard and a monkey break stuff.
I give Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire five tinfoil hats out of a possible five.
(Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is rated PG-13 for pervasive use of subliminal imagery, extensive growling, monkey nudity, uncomfortable dialogue, and adult situations.)
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