Tag: summer movies

The Purge: Election Year

The Purge: Election Year: Absolutely the Greatest Movie Ever

Reviewed by Marcus Wells for DecimalPointless and HumbleHeckler.com.

(Editor’s note: Film critic Marcus Wells is an insufferably sarcastic man whose The_Purge_Election_Yearfather donates a lot of money to DecimalPointless.)

I was soooooo thrilled when I heard there was going to be another Purge film. Who wouldn’t be? After all, how could any cinephile possibly resist the opportunity to sit through another 105 minutes of completely gratuitous violence, infantile dialogue, and shot after ever-loving shot of psychos in stupid masks brandishing weapons as they cock their heads to one side in an attempt to appear more menacing? Not me. That’s for sure. And that brilliant storyline—you know the one. The one where all crime is legal for one full night. Genius!!! A story like this is in no way gimmicky or stupid at all, and it clearly possesses the narrative heft to accommodate multiple sequels. I wasn’t surprised at all to learn that Michael Bay—the creative mastermind behind Transformer and Bad Boys—is one of the producers of this masterpiece. And let’s not forget to give a shout-out to everybody at Platinum Dunes, the production company that just never ever stops innovating and creating original, groundbreaking movies. Let’s see … so far this collection of Rhodes scholars has produced such original classics as the remake of Friday the 13th, the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street, the remake of Carrie, the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Ouija, a movie based on a board game from the good folks at Hasbro. So, with this group of cinematic/storytelling pioneers in charge, there’s just no way that The Purge: Election Year could be anything other than an all-time champ of a movie. Right?

Well, there’s no need to worry. I’m here to tell ya’ that this movie is—and I say this without hyperbole—the greatest, most important work of art ever rendered by any living organism in any solar system since the Big Bang started this whole crazy mess. This time around, the story turns on a senator whose entire family was killed during a previous Purge. Anyway, the senator is now running for president, and the largest plank in her platform just happens to be doing away with the annual Purge. But guess what? Some people don’t like her. Bet ya’ didn’t see that mind-blowing twist coming.

From that point onward, we are treated (and, man do I mean treated) to a dystopian nightmare of extreme violence that just doesn’t ever seem to end. And when the credits do finally roll, we walk out of the theater feeling refreshed and alive, secure in the belief that all people are psychopaths who relish every opportunity to inflict violence upon those who can’t protect themselves, and for nothing more than shits and giggles and financial gain. And isn’t that the perfect message to convey to audiences in these times of political divisiveness, overt bigotry, and fear. You bet it is! Nice job, Platinum Dunes. You’re a real class act!

I give The Purge: Election Year an A+++, and I can’t wait to see who’ll be senselessly slaughtered during next year’s Purge. Just terrific!

(The Purge: Election Year is rated R, but, for the life of me, I can’t understand why. This film should be seen—and celebrated—by people of all ages. It should be shown in grade schools and taught in film schools. Simply put, we are a better species for this film’s existence. So take the whole family and have a ball. I’m sure you won’t regret it.)

The Neon Demon

The Neon Demon Should Possess a Better Filmmaker

Reviewed by Clark Savage for TheHumbleHeckler.com

(Editor’s note: Film critic Clark Savage is currently pursuing a rigorous 12-step program in an effort to treat his ongoing issues with anger management.)

So-called “writer” and “director” Nicolas Winding Refn needs a serious beating. No, I’m not kidding. I have never—EVER!—wanted to punch anyone in the face as much as I want to punch this clown after seeing The Neon Demon. Talk about pretentious: This film is stuffed to the gills with monologues that I sincerely believe Refn and his alleged “co-writers” stole directly from bumper stickers they saw on the freeway from the backseat of their Tesla. Oh, and by the way, this film is appropriately titled: Every single frame of this cinematic turd absolutely pulses with neon. The constant reds, blues, greens, violets, and oranges are enough to drive Gandhi to slap on a bib and skeletonize a live Holstein bull with his teeth. This film could seriously endanger the lives of anyone prone to seizures. Hell, the guy next to me went cross-eyed and shit his pants. Come on, Nic. Didn’t they teach you about chiaroscuro in film school? For the love of God, man, find a dictionary and look up the word “subtle”—and try to do it without monologuing about it, you half-baked potato.

And what’s the deal with the electronic score? The music in this film sounds like it was composed by constipated robots who learned to score movies by only watching movies directed by this lug nut. Where’s the humanity? Everything looks and sounds utterly synthetic, and don’t you dare try to tell me that it’s supposed to look that way, or I’ll find you and dunk you in an acid bath and then feed your bones to my cat, Nero (which exactly the kind of crap you’re likely to see in one of this moron’s movies).

The Neon Demon is another exercise in style, totally lacking substance, in which a collection of dead-eyed mannequin-people wander through an ill-conceived fantasy world of debaucherous sex and depraved violence. And for what? What’s the point? There is no point. Refn is just stupid enough to believe that filmgoers are so stupid that they will think this noxious puddle of rhinoceros vomit is deep and meaningful. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, this is the same preening peacock that brought us Drive and Only God Forgives, two of the biggest time-sucks ever projected onto movie screens.

Just thinking about The Neon Demon makes the bile rise in my gullet. I’ve actually written to my congressman imploring him to create legislation that will keep atrocities such as this movie from ever infecting the public again. I lie awake at night wondering what impact this abomination will have on society. I mean, if this movie exists, can there really be a God? How does someone explain this brand of evil to their children? Is there any point in exercising or eating healthy if, at any time, you could end up watching a movie like this? When I finish this review, I’m going to smack myself in the head with a hammer until there’s no trace of this unfortunate chapter of my life left in my brain’s memory center.

So, basically, if you’re thinking about seeing The Neon Demon, don’t. You’ll be better off tying a bloody pork chop around your neck and picking a fight with a great white shark. Or maybe you should just grab a shovel and ask a buddy to beat you senseless with it. I’d bet every dollar in the bank that this is the movie Satan forces damned souls to watch on the plane ride to hell. Anyone who willfully pays to watch this dreck needs to be removed from society, sterilized, and abandoned on the edge of an active volcano.

I give The Neon Demon .0001% of one star and 100% of my bloated corpse the second I die.

(The Neon Demon is rated R. It is intended only for simpletons who lack taste, self-respect, dignity, and the ability to NOT flush their hard-earned money down the nearest craphole. It also contains adult language.)

The Shallows

The Shallows: A Movie That’s Like … Whatever

Reviewed by Janelle Palmer for TheHumbleHeckler.com.

(Editor’s note: Janelle Palmer, a 17-year-old high school senior, is filling in for her mother, Janette, one of our resident film critics, who is currently recovering from rhinoplasty.)

Okay, so, like, The Shallows is this big, like, shark movie or whatever. Blake Lively plays this super-smart girl who’s all, “I wanna be a doctor someday,” or something. She’s super annoying, but I’d kill for her stomach—OMG, have you seen that thing. Flat as one of those ironing board thingies I see my mom using. BTDubs, my mom always smokes when she’s ironing, and she thinks I don’t know about it, but it’s like—hello, I can totally smell your gross ciggies. You’re not fooling anyone. Anyway, Blake Lively (hate her!) decides to go out on the ocean to, like, surf and get a tan and stuff. Oh, I almost forgot that Blake Lively, in real life, is married to Deadpool, so that’s pretty cool, but I still haaaaate her.

So, anyway, Blake Lively goes on her board thingy and starts, like, really surfing those waves. Then my phone started vibrating (I set it to vibrate cuz I’m, like, courteous as balls). It was my friend Kara, whose tan is so completely out of control it’s insane. So, Kara tells me that she’s going shopping and asks me to come with, and I’m all “I can’t. I have to watch this stupid shark movie so my mom won’t, like, get fired or something.” And then Kara’s all, “That blows.” And then I’m all, “I know, right? It’s not my fault you decided to get a nose job and flake out on your work.” So then I went to get a Diet Coke, and that skeevy kid Jeremy was working at the food place. He was looking right at my nips, not even trying to hide it. So I said, “The theater’s cold, okay, Jeremy. Act like you’ve seen nips before, loser.”

When I got back to my cold-ass seat, Blake Lively was freaking out about some giant-ass shark. I don’t know for sure, but I think she pissed it off while she was surfing, and I’m pretty sure sharks don’t like that. So then the movie is all about the shark beefing with Blake Lively. They go back and forth. Blake wins some, the shark wins some … I don’t know, I guess some of it wasn’t too bad. That skank Melissa from English class was sitting two rows ahead of me, and she seemed to like it pretty well. Maybe you have to be a skank to really like this movie.

I don’t really like sharks. They’re stupid and ugly and it’s like, “do something besides swimming and attacking Deadpool’s lady, already!” Since I don’t like sharks, there’s no reason why I should like shark movies. So I guess I should say that you probably shouldn’t see this movie … unless you’re completely skanky like Melissa or something. Although, it isn’t the worst movie. I mean, I didn’t bail or anything. I watched it all the way to the end, which I’ve been told I’m not supposed to spoil. Whatevs, it’s not such a special ending anyway. So, I guess I’ll just say that The Shallows is kinda bad, and I don’t recommend it. But, then again, my friend Tessa says it looks good and she wants to see it, and Tessa has super-good taste, so I don’t know. I guess I have no opinion.

I’ll give it 5 stars out of, like, 5 million. But I reserve the right to change my score after Tessa sees it and we talk about it.

(The Shallows is rated PG-13 for, like, scary shark stuff, bloody water, open wounds and stuff, and I think Blake Lively drops the F-bomb once or twice, but I don’t remember for sure or anything.)